blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
You Might Also Like
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!