Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I missed you with all my darts

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

When you put it that way… 😂

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator