Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.