Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.