Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant![]()
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(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Everyone’s family
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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