Bless you
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I might give this a try 😏
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”