Bless you
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
