Bless you
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The Onion called it…again.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.