“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.