“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined