Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

They grow up so quick

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one