Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
😤😤
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary