Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
the red hot silly peppers
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
the duality of man
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood