Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it