blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
