blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Why? Just why? 😂
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
