blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
