Blew my mind.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
