Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.