Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.