Blew out my flip flop…
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.