Blew out my flip flop…
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I feel it
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.