Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*checks Timeline*…
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.