Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

selfie game