Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

“our sushi is very fresh”

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed