Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Not with that attitude

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.