Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Taliband

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.