[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.