Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.