[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
You Might Also Like
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*has no idea what a book even is*
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy