[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
🤣could you imagine
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!