Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Still cracks me up

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”