Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

This made me chuckle.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.