BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.