don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Warm pools make me nervous.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
dutch so unserious
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.