Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.