BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.