@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

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@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@Brentweets

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

@FredTaming

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@michael_hendrix

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over ūüėČ
P: can’t. Kidnapped ūüôĀ
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”