BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken