BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
cats when you pet them too long:
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”