Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.