Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
And that about sums it up.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”