Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

are there any atheist mantises?

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.