Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Oh my god

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?