Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Probably my best painting.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Weirdos gonna weird.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming