[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.