[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out![]()
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Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.