Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts