Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

The cashier just checked me out.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park