Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Hmmmmmmm….

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!