Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Easy enough.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human