Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

My time has come.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’