@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

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@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@UncleDuke1969

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

@ClichedOut

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

@PJVogt

Marie Kondo opening an online shop that sells dumb crap you don’t need is my favorite heel turn of 2019.

@bingowings14

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

@dubstep4dads

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

@JayThawne

When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes