[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.