Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

This makes total sense…

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though