[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
classic mixup
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.