Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

no one likes gloating

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

3% human
97% stress

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

Poetry is my passion

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob