Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

doing your own taxes

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all