Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Every damn time

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud