HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
4-year-old: With cheese?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*
Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?