[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre