Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

All generalizations are stupid.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

oh you like architecture? name three walls

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.