[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Good dog. ❤️
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
some Old Testament wisdom
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?