[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
North and South
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.