[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.


1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…


The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.


The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u


Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?


[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care


Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.


Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.