Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

I see your IQ test came back negative

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.