Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that