Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button