Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.