[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.