Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.