Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.