[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.