Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

I need better friends

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”