Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured