@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

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@katvonwitt

Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.

@BeeeejEsq

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@BrideyHicks

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@HandfulOfLewds

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

@beccafacexo

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

@elle91

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.