[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

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Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.


My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”


i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!


*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*


Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.


Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.


My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours


[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.