[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.